One Year of Hell

I have just about had it, but I have no other direction to go. It has been a full year since my life long nightmares came true. Here's my year summed up:

1. I was in Phoenix Children's Hospital for June and July of 2013

2. Home for 2 weeks

3. Double lung transplant at St. Joe's August of 2013

4. Lived in Phoenix August-November of 2013

5. Home for December and January

6. Back at St. Joe's for 2 minor surgeries February of 2014 

7. Home for 2 weeks

8. Back at St. Joe's for rejection and complications March, April, May, and now June of 2014

And here were are. I feel like I'm in prison. If you've never spent more than a week in the hospital, you couldn't possibly know what I'm feeling. At least in prison, there's less physical pain. I can't sleep, the food is terrible, the tv is terrible, I only go outside for 30 minutes a day because I have to be back for more medicine, I have lost all independence, I have no privacy. I thought I when I decided to get a transplant that my life would be better. That maybe I'd have less stress. That maybe I'd be a little closer to normal. That maybe I'd experience less pain. But in truth my life hasn't really changed. The only difference is, I can breathe. Which, please don't get me wrong, I am forever thankful that I can now breathe. But what's the use if I have no chance to really get out and live? My life is nothing I would wish on anyone. Between all of my struggles with my health in this last year, I have competed in numerous pageants, held 2 jobs, continued to go to school, and maintained a healthy relationship. Call me crazy but thats all I want in life. A typical, normal life. I don't ask for anything out of reach, or special. Why does that have to be so hard for me? Why am I challenged every day? One day I will have my answers. Life will answer my question "Why me?".  I know it could always be worse, but right now I am just going to be angry and upset about things. And I think that's okay.

-A