Sweet Dreams, my Beautiful Daughter 9-16-14

This is a letter to my beautiful daughter, Alyson Tozer.
Aly,
From the moment you were brought in to my life, you were such a gift. Even as a young child, your insight on life was astounding. You would always tell me, "Momma, I just want to make a difference", and oh what a difference you made!  You had a magnetic light that attracted people to you. You inspired them to be better. Love more. Live more. To be humble and greatfull.Through all your battles, you never wanted anyone to feel sorry for you or to be sad for you. Instead, you encouraged others to make a difference. I am so broken and lost with out you. You gave me the opportunity to be your mom. You taught me so much more than I ever taught you. As I wonder on the earth without you, I hope I can find the strength to be half as courageous as you. I will help you finish your most treasured goals; publish your books-continue to raise awareness for organ donation- put smiles on the faces of children at the Phoenix Children's Hospital-have faith that a cure for CF is coming. I will try to make you as proud of me as I was of you.
Sweet dreams, my beautiful daughter.

Aly believed in the Miss America Organization. She believed that the women in this organization, can and will make a difference. These women are educated, compassionate and dedicated to their platforms. I found an English essay that Aly wrote and wanted to share part of it -
                "Every woman redefines the Miss America Organization in her own way.
                 No woman can represent the organization the same as another. There is
                 no perfect way to be Miss America. There are no shoes to fill.
                 Every woman walks in her own heels".

Thank You

This song moved to tears as I realized the reality of today. I cry happy tears as I hear this song and write this entry. It is so moving and touches my heart. I hope it does the same for my readers. As you listen to this song, allow the lyrics into your soul. I believe everything happens for a reason. This song came to me today; what a perfect glorious day for this moment. One year ago today, I could feel death. It was creeping into my life with no remorse and no way of control. I was almost gone. I could never wish that feeling upon anyone. It is true emptiness. It was my lowest place in my life I think I will ever reach. But as this song relays, "There's hope in front of me. There's a light, I still see it!"I know I have a purpose in life that I have not fulfilled yet. My time is coming. When I hear this song it not only reminds of why I held on when everything was almost gone, but it also reminds me of those who held my hand through it all. I wish I could thank everyone individually. However, I received so much sincere love from so many people I can't remember them all. To my parents, my family and family friends, my boyfriend, my best friends, my acquaintances, my doctors, my surgeons, my nurses, my fellow transplant friends, my pageant friends, my old high school friends, my previous teachers, my parent's friends, and strangers of all kinds, you are all my reason. Who ever you are, what ever role you play in my life, if you reached out to me any time in this last year, especially one year ago, please know you were and are my support and reason. Your love kept me going. When I doubted my future, my life, someone reached out to me. If you're reading this, YOU kept me going. Please never forget the power of love and hope that you can impact on a person's life. 

XO

-A

1 YEAR!!!!

In one week I will be celebrating an entire year since my transplant! I am having a family BBQ that weekend so I will be too busy to write a blog entry, so I am doing it now! It is incredible how much a person's life can change in so many various ways through 1 year. Since August 8, 2013, my life can be described in so many different ways. It's been celebratory, trying, relieving, gruesome, breathtaking (no pun intended...well maybe), scary, prideful, gratifying, and so much more I could name off. Most of all,  my life this past year has been beautiful. My life changed forever, not just that I had a new chance. I had to learn to live a new and different life. I had to learn to live with the extreme side effects of my new medications and how to manage them. I had to learn how to physically breathe again. I have come a long way but still have years of letting my guard down to allow myself to do things I was limited to before. I also have to learn that I can breathe but am not in the clear, I still have to monitor my health very close. Through my new life changes, I am so delighted and inspired by my new chance. I love my new lungs and the true feeling of breathing! I feel so renewed as a person. I view and feel the world and people so differently now, and in such a positive and giving way. I am forever thankful for my new opportunities and adventures! Become an organ donor and you could change someone's life forever. Become a hero today at donatelife.net

Love,
A

One Year of Hell

I have just about had it, but I have no other direction to go. It has been a full year since my life long nightmares came true. Here's my year summed up:

1. I was in Phoenix Children's Hospital for June and July of 2013

2. Home for 2 weeks

3. Double lung transplant at St. Joe's August of 2013

4. Lived in Phoenix August-November of 2013

5. Home for December and January

6. Back at St. Joe's for 2 minor surgeries February of 2014 

7. Home for 2 weeks

8. Back at St. Joe's for rejection and complications March, April, May, and now June of 2014

And here were are. I feel like I'm in prison. If you've never spent more than a week in the hospital, you couldn't possibly know what I'm feeling. At least in prison, there's less physical pain. I can't sleep, the food is terrible, the tv is terrible, I only go outside for 30 minutes a day because I have to be back for more medicine, I have lost all independence, I have no privacy. I thought I when I decided to get a transplant that my life would be better. That maybe I'd have less stress. That maybe I'd be a little closer to normal. That maybe I'd experience less pain. But in truth my life hasn't really changed. The only difference is, I can breathe. Which, please don't get me wrong, I am forever thankful that I can now breathe. But what's the use if I have no chance to really get out and live? My life is nothing I would wish on anyone. Between all of my struggles with my health in this last year, I have competed in numerous pageants, held 2 jobs, continued to go to school, and maintained a healthy relationship. Call me crazy but thats all I want in life. A typical, normal life. I don't ask for anything out of reach, or special. Why does that have to be so hard for me? Why am I challenged every day? One day I will have my answers. Life will answer my question "Why me?".  I know it could always be worse, but right now I am just going to be angry and upset about things. And I think that's okay.

-A

Opening To "I Survived"

I have been working on a memoir I'm titling "I Survived" for quite some time and today I put together the first part of the opening to my book. There is much editing and adding to be put into this but for a first jot down, I really liked how it came out. I thought I would share it with everyone. Enjoy!

Foremost I want to thank you for picking this book to read amongst all the other you could have consumed your time with. This book won’t be at all what you are expecting. This is not only my story, but also the story of others in the same situation. I will introduce you to a disease known as Cystic Fibrosis. I will refer to it as CF typically. Don’t know what CF is? I’ve got that covered also. You will read about the scientific aspect first before my story starts. I want you, my dear reader, to understand the disease thoroughly so there is no confusion or question deep into these pages. Like with all things, this disease has its positives and negatives. That is where I come in. I carry a perspective that is not seen in most of humanity. Through out you will learn I have always lived my life one day at a time, very literally. I worry about today, never tomorrow. It is to my understanding that most people living with CF have the same mentality. To sum up the quantity of the duration, I have lived close to half of my life in the hospital. I know what it is like to feel trapped in ones own body and mind. I have faced deep depression. I grew up as a special needs child. I know the terror of going into crowds. I know the feeling of death. I have felt the gratification of a new life. I have learned through trial and error to take no one and nothing for granted.

My goal is not for my reader to feel sorrowful for me, but rather to be inspired by my story and maybe learn a thing or two about themselves. Through my story may my reader possibly see a new light in their lives or an answer they have been yearning for. Most of all, this book is meant to fulfill a life long dream of mine. I have always wanted to make a difference in someone’s life. I have always hoped to help better someone by using my disease; whether that is through creating a fundraiser, sharing my story, mentoring, being in a video, or writing a book.

You are about to dive into the story of my life with Cystic Fibrosis. Day by day was very routine for me, which would make for a dreadfully boring book. No. I will rely on the major events that impacted my life the most as I grew up. Within each story there is a defeat and a victory. I feel I must warn you; detailing the life of someone living with Cystic Fibrosis is reassuringly frustrating, devastating, overwhelming and down right disgusting in every way possible. However, this disease has its beauty hidden. I was taught patience, tenderness, and gratitude. I learned to cherish all 5 of the senses. I learned when to speak up and when to comply. I learned deep self-respect. My favorite thing I was given by CF was my appreciation for time.

I realized many dominating things in my life. Everyone’s heard the saying “If you can’t learn to love yourself, how can you love anyone else?” In my late teenage years I realized that saying in a much deeper ideal. If I couldn’t love myself, not only who I am as a person, but also myself with CF, how could I ever be happy with anything?

“Today I choose to live my life with gratitude for the love that fills my heart, the peace that rests inside my spirit, and the voice of hope that says…all things are possible!”- Anonymous

Insight to Pageantry

Ever since I started competing in pageants a couple years ago I realized how life altering the experience is every time. I am so proud of the woman I have become because of the Miss America Organization. I give all of my confidence, poise and gratitude that I have achieved to my pageant experiences. I would like to however clear some things up to the public about Miss America pageants and back stage. I am always asked about the other contestants and how I get along with them. If they are self-centered and catty. The answer to that is that I have more girlfriends now than I ever have before. For every 20 amazing, giving, talented, brilliant young women there is 1 sour apple. I never thought I would meet such incredible and truly happy young women in my life. I am grateful for each friendship I have created. Another misconception about pageant girls is that they are unintelligent. That is so far from the truth. I have met women well on their way to becoming doctors in all fields, scientists, lawyers, world leaders, and so much more. Miss America is the world's leading scholarship organization for young women...give us some credit! We are also not affiliated with Donald Trump, Miss USA or Miss Universe. USA and America are very different and we like to keep it that way. So a little about competition and back stage. Interview is probably the most terrifying and gratifying experience of all phases. A 10 minute heart attack. Personally, this is my favorite phase. I love on the spot questions. Swimsuit is next. We work hard for the bodies we have, so it is not difficult to get out there. Yes, we use what is called butt glue. It's glue to keep the contestants from getting wedgies. We also use this on our tops and occasionally on our gowns. Last minute toning goes into this phase: crunches, push ups, lifting, anything to pump up muscle. Talent counts as the most in competition. Each contestant takes this time to shine in their own way. This lasts for 90 seconds. Evening gown is always so calm to me. I feel like all of the contestants are relaxed at this point. Evening gown is supposed to be beautiful and graceful, poised and elegant. I take a lot of pride in my gowns. Final phase of competition is on-stage question. Each contestant is asked 2 questions. This can be so scary. Answering on the spot in front of a crowd that is sure to disagree and judge your answer. Then the beautiful crowning moment. The truth is that every contestant that is on that stage deserves that crown. But its not about the crown, its about the journey. Yes, we stress ourselves out to hair loss, we wear the world's most uncomfortable shoes, we wear earrings that are too heavy, we read up on current events until we get headaches, and we probably spend too much money. But in the end, we are so much more than that. We are dreamers, achievers, believers, supporters, advocates, volunteers, and world changers. We are the women of the Miss America Organization.

Believe

Recently I have been having a slight bump in the road with my health. I have been battling a new infection in my lungs this last month. It seems to have really taken a toll on me but is being treated effectively. I have done 4 testing procedures to check for rejection and all have come back at 0%!! I am still being treated for rejection in case we missed it or it comes at a surprise. This means lots of steroids...great. I have been deprived of sleep and the mood swings are setting in along with the hunger, and attitude! Oh and you can't forget the puffy cheeks I love so much. I am feeling better though and am fully expecting my new lungs to be at the level they were at 3 months ago. With hard work and dedication I know I'll get back to being strong. In the down time I have had, I have really advanced one of my books and I am completely estatic over it!!! Also other great news; tomorrow I will be celebrating my 8 month Breathe Day post transplant!!! Staying positive is key in hard times. If I could give any word of advice it would be, if you're going to believe in anything then believe in yourself. If you do that, there is nothing that can stop you in this world.

XO-A

Keep Your Eyes On The Horizon

One of the most important and valued hobbies in my life is that I write. I not only write on my blog every so often, I am currently writing 3 books. My books take me places I have always wanted to go. I can experience adventures in a way with out expense and risk. I can express an emotion with out having any repercussions. My books are my escape from reality. Ready to hear about them individually? Here we go!

My first book is by far my favorite and my first real true love in life. I have been writing this story since I was 12 and have yet to be complete it. This is a story inspired by Titanic, Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, and the Notebook. So can you guess the genre (theme) of this book? Romance :) This story is full of tragic romance, family honor, history, chivalry and action. The title of this book is called The Island. Strangely this story has nothing to do with an island, at all. The story goes: in 7th grade I had an assignment to write a paper on a mystery. I wrote about five kids who were stranded on a mysterious island, I titled it The Island. I got an F on this paper and was told I could never be a writer. To prove a point I started writing a love story, which ended up being 12 pages long in size 16 font. Silly enough, I forgot how to change the name of a file on the computer so I erased my school paper and copy and pasted it under the file name The Island. Since that day, the name has stuck and I couldn't image it being titled anything else. This will be my first book to be published.

My second book is a memoir of my life before transplant and my recovery afterwards. I plan to use this book as a way to release my emotions on my journey. Most people don't realize that the emotional aspect of a life with a terminal illness is harder to manage than the deteriorating physical battle. I want to give people a direct connection with my story. After people read my book the last page will read alone "If I can do it...You can do it".

My third book is still in the process of unorganized sketches and notes. This will be a non-fiction scientific fantasy. I am creating a world called Kristanya that has templets sealed in diamond that explains the fundamentals of the new world. There will be 6 separate battles between good and evil. This will be a new and interesting topic I am working on. This will transform into something no one has ever written about. I am going to be a little secretive with this right now because I am still putting much of it together. My inspiration for this book is Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, and the Chronicles of Narnia. I plan on this to not only become a story but a full series of more than 4 books.

I have been writing since I can remember. When I was a child I would staple printing paper together to make my own book and I would draw and illustrate short stories. If you are reading this, I promise you a signed copy of any book of your choice. My goal is to be a published author before I reach the age of 25, keep your eyes on the horizon.

XO- A

Miss Grand Canyon 2014

This past Saturday I competed for the title of Miss Grand Canyon 2014. This was the first ever Miss Grand Canyon! I had so much fun. This was probably one of the top pageants I had the most fun at. I want to congratulate my friend Hannah Morgan as the new and first Miss Grand Canyon 2014! She is so deserving and such a great person. Although I did not win the title, I did win the Quality of Life award again!! I am very proud of this. As of right now, there are no more open pageants left for the class of Miss Arizona 2014. I will be back next year!
XO- A

Retrospect

I have decided to compete for Miss Grand Canyon after a very encouraging conversation from a beautifully dedicated friend of mine. My admiration for her give me hope to carry that in myself one day. With that being said, I am faced again with the last open pageant of the season. I was sad I did not make it to Miss Arizona last year, but after everything I went through in 2013, I can now understand why things happened the way they did. I know everything has a reason. I also understand that I may never know that reason. But I accept it and move forward. I look forward to compete with 8 other women competing for the title of Miss Grand Canyon 2014. All 9 of us deserve the crown, but its not about who deserves it. Its about who's time is right. We will all have our time and until then we have to know we are just not ready. We have to know something else is coming in our lives and it was not meant to be to become a titleholder this year. I have made so many friends this year and I am grateful for each chance I take in life. Retrospect is an unusual thing in my life. I seem to find it when I feel most centered. As I grow further into an adult I am seeing it more often. Retrospect is making me humbled and grateful. I love it.
XO-A

Follow Your Heart

I guess I should have clarified what I meant by "retired" in my last post. I am not permanently retiring from pageants. I love the Miss America Organization too much to leave. Even after I age out I plan to become a director. What I meant by retiring was that I was going to take a fairly large break from pageants. I will be back. My dream to become Miss Arizona one day is still something I plan to achieve. I currently feel like I need to take a break from pageants to fully enjoy other aspects of my life that have and continue to arise. I do plan to come back into pageants and in the Miss America Organization. I just feel like I am wanting to do things in life but say, "oh...but I have a pageant to do." or "I'd love to do this or that, or be here/there! But...I have a pageant." I feel like its dragging me down right now. I will return when my heart tells me to. I am finally starting to see what life has to offer me and I am going to take full advantage of it!
XO- A

Miss Tucson Pageant Results AND the Future

This past weekend I competed for 3 titles: Miss Tucson Desert Rose, Miss Tucson Old Pueblo, and Miss Tucson Del Sol. I did not win any of these. I did however win another Quality of Life Award. I have been pondering on this thought for a while and I have made my decision. I am going into retirement from pageants for a while. Pageants have been a part of my life for the past 4 years and I have loved every experience I have been fortunate enough to have. I no longer love pageantry like I used to. I am slightly discouraged but more so yearning for a different kind of life. I have been offered an amazing job and am really focusing on school. I want to be able to fully enjoy this summer working at a bar and restaurant on the river. I want to experience new things in life and right now I feel like pageants keep me from doing that only by the dedication I put into pageants. I never do things half-ass, always to the fullest. So in doing pageants I always put in 100% all the time. I am a little sad leaving an organization I love so much, but I know I have years to get back into it. I wish all of my friends the best of luck at state this year and always. Some day I may get back into pageantry. I'll always be around but my heart is leading me into a different direction. I am so grateful to all those who have supported me in this. I will never forget my experiences. I am so excited to watch my pageant sisters grow! New adventures are coming for me and I can't wait to see what comes next in my life!
XO-A

Beating The Odds

Today is my 21st birthday! Today I continue to beat the odds like I have my entire life. When I was diagnosed at 6 months old with Cystic Fibrosis my family was told that people with disease don't usually live past 5 years old. I happily enjoyed my Barbie themed fifth birthday. Later on we were told the average age of people living with CF was up to 12. I had my 12th birthday party at an aquatic center with dozens of friends. Years later we were told 18 years old. I celebrated my 18th birthday in my home with my most cherished family and friends. The average age is now early 40s. I beat the odds every year on January 14. I have beat Cystic Fibrosis for 21 years. Only one moment did I think CF beat me. I was scared and unsure of my future. This moment came to me the day before I received my double lung transplant. My doctor reassured me I was going to have a colorful productive future. I pushed through the last day with my old lungs and onto my new life with my new lungs. I beat the odds of a double lung transplant. I am also beating the odds of making almost half a year with out any sign of rejection in my new lungs! I celebrate my 21st birthday for those who couldn't beat the odds, those who never had the chance to be 21, and for those who didn't beat the odds of a double lung transplant. I am a rare case to have beat both with very minimal complications and recover with flying colors. My heart mind and soul are set on my future. I promise my future to those still fight the CF battle and those we have lost. I beat the odds not only on my birthdays but everyday. A great celebration is in store for my birthday! Lets make it unforgettable!!
XO-A

Miss Phoenix 2014 & Miss Cave Creek 2014

I had the greatest pleasure competing with 7 other young ladies competing for the title of Miss Phoenix and Miss Cave Creek. I had such an amazing time meeting my new friends. Congratulations to my friends Miss Phoenix Alexa Rogers and Miss Cave Creek 2014 Lauren McBurnett!! I was awarded Miss Congeniality (chosen by the contestants), Miracle Maker (I raised $630 towards Children's Miracle Network), and the Quality of Life Award. I am so honored to have won all 3 of these awards. One of the contestants zipper on her dress broke in dress rehearsal so thank goodness I brought a back up gown for her to borrow. I also had such a great time getting to know the contestants who competed for outstanding teen!!! Although I did not win the crown I had such an amazing time. I am also so excited and proud for my pageant sisters Whitney and Tiffany for putting on an incredible pageant! Continuing my journey, next weekend I am competing for one of three titles for Miss Tucson Desert Rose, Miss Tucson Old Pueblo and Miss Tucson Del Sol. Wish me luck!

XO-A

Children's Miracle Network

In the Miss America Organization the contestants are required to have a platform. This is a topic that the contestant is passionate about, continuously active in, gets communities involved in, and knowledgeable about. A platform can be anything from eating disorders, drug/alcohol/smoking awareness, human trafficking, illness awareness/fundraising, self esteem, education, healthy eating, anything the contestant is truly passionate about. My personal platform is Inspiring The Gift of Life. I am an educational and motivational speaker on the behalf of Cystic Fibrosis, as I live day to day with this disease. I also am a passionate speaker for Donate Life because I am a double lung transplant recipient. The Miss America platform is Children's Miracle Network. This program benefits children's hospitals across the United States and Canada. Children's Miracle Network supports research and training, purchasing equipment, pays for uncompensated care, and helping improve hospital grounds. Every contestant is required to work on both personal and national platforms. I have been advertising donations for Children's Miracle Network for the past few months and have raised over $600. Thank you to everyone who has donated!
Children's Miracle Network has a special place in my heart. Because I have Cystic Fibrosis I was constantly in the hospital for weeks at a time. I received my care at Phoenix Children's Hospital; a Children's Miracle Network hospital. I spent 41 days there over the summer of 2013. Patients at Phoenix Children's with Cystic Fibrosis are not allowed to leave their rooms. We are not allowed to go on walks. We are not allowed to go outside. We are confined to our rooms until we are discharged from the hospital completely. This is to protect us from catching anything that could make our situation worse. However, after being hospitalized for over a month, there are exceptions that can be made. After a month, I was not getting any better and in fact getting worse. I was allowed to go on supervised walks to a secluded outside walkway. I was having a very difficult time walking even the slightest. I was thankful and delighted that this secluded walkway that was shaded between two buildings, was equipped with benches. There was a garden and art all over. I was able to go on this walk for 30 minutes a day. Being able to breathe fresh air and feel the Arizona heat was so uplifting for me. This walkway and benches I have described were all donated and made possible to Children's Miracle Network. In this time of my life I was so afraid and unsure of what was to happen to me. It was so nice to have a small escape and be able to feel the Sun a little, or breathe fresh air.
So know with a donation to Children's Miracle Network you help provide memories like my own that make a huge difference in a life that is in dire need of some kind of normalcy. Although my life has been impacted in many different ways by Children's Miracle Network, the benches were my favorite.
XO- A

Crunch Time

Its one week away from Miss Phoenix/Miss Cave Creek, two weeks away from Miss Tucson Desert Rose/Old Pueblo/ Del Sol, three weeks away from Miss Tempe/ Miss Mesa, and 9 weeks away from Miss Grand Canyon. I'd say ITS CRUNCH TIME! There is no time to mess around now. Pageant prepping is no joke for those who don't know. Much more goes into this than the common person realizes. Finding the right wardrobe, practicing every day in that wardrobe in front of a mirror to the music selected for the pageant, finding the right pair of pageant shoe and practicing in them all day long, finding the right pageant jewelry (it makes a difference!), practicing stage hair and make up, getting a spray tan (maybe even 2) and nails, practicing interview skills everyday, watching and reading the news every day, making flash cards on current event and personal questions, practicing poses in a mirror, practicing smiling (yes, it hurts after 5 minutes of none stop), completing all the paperwork for the pageant, perfecting the personal paperwork so the judges will want to know you, double triple and quadruple checking to make sure you have everything in your emergency pack (what you forget is what you'll need), practice talent everyday for hours, practice eye contact when having a conversation. On top of this, stay focused in school (most of us are college students), stay healthy, keep up with a physical workout routine, eat right, stay focused, follow deadlines, stay positive, and do not stress out. How is this possible you might wonder?! We are true pageant girls, to the core. We love what we do. We do it for the gratification, for the scholarship money, for our families, for our future, for   a shiny new crown, for the self satisfaction, for the sisterhood, for the organization. Here's a fun fact not many people outside the Miss America world will know; our crowns have 4 points on them. Each point  stands for a characteristic each titleholder/competitor must have: style, service, scholar, and success. Eat, sleep and live by these 4 points and you could never go wrong.
XO-A